May 11, 2012

How to Host a Yard Sale

1. Decide that you have too much shit.

2. Pick a day, and hope to God it doesn't rain.

3. Invite your friends. Your lawn is big enough.

4. Insist on NO EARLY BIRDS. Early birds are assholes who like to get all up in your business.

5. Beg husband to mow the lawn.

6. Bring things out of attic so husband can haul them downstairs for you; manage to bring down one box; then scramble the night before to get things out of the attic and not wake the baby, while husband wonders why you didn't do that last night. (BECAUSE I DIDN'T, OK?!)

7. Crack open a Woodchuck. This is going to be a long fucking night.

8. Think about what to do with the baby all morning. Sunscreen, check. Cheerios, check. Use baby to negotiate higher selling prices, check. (ie, Your new carseat isn't going to buy itself! Is it! Who's a precious baaaabeeeee?!)

9. Go to the 24 hour CVS because you need to make posters to hang on the street posts. Also buy: gummy bears.

10. Think about the different ways you will pour coffee down your throat at 6am on a Saturday.

11. Decide that everything should just be $20 and people should negotiate from there.

12. Fuck this. Sleep would be awesome.

13. Decide to totally wake up early to finish pricing and moving things.

14. Realize that there is no way in hell that will happen. Continue to agonize if the 2 old vacuums can be on the porch all night and maintain a sell-able condition.

15. Come up with brilliant blog post for the blog you haven't updated in like, a year. Hi Facebook! Yes, I would like to update my status.


17. I'm never having a yard sale again.

18. Inhale Sharpie. You can do this. But the arrow is pointing the wrong way.

19. Will someone bring donuts? I should make muffins. NO, muffin making is for people that don't have to sort and price boxes of shit.

20. Repeat in 1 year.


I hope you say nice things, but if you don't, I'll get over it eventually.